Match 10 - Maldon Home

The final match of the season saw the visit of Maldon and expectations were high to complete a 100% record! Here's how it panned out (in match order - this is important later!):

1's Chris v Peter - Chris was always going to be up against it playing the World Champ. He was slow out of the blocks again, and the first two games passed by quickly. However, the third was much closer and despite still being hampered by his niggling shoulder injury he pushed Peter all the way only to lose narrowly 10-9.

2's Paul v Dave - Mr Table Tennis is renowned for having the most awkward game a going, but I was looking forward to this to exact some revenge for losing to him 4 years ago! The first game went according to plan, 9-0. The next two however were a lot closer, but ultimately went the same way and I completed a (fairly) comfortable 3-0 victory.

3's Dave v Andy - Dave was up against Maldon's laid back version of Wallace. Andy's got all the shots but comes across on the court as rather lazy! The first game went to Andy courtesy of some cracking volley's which rolled out the nick. However, Captain Fantastic pushed the youngster all the way in the 2nd game but couldn't convert his game balls and went 2-0 down. The 3rd game quickly followed and Andy wrapped up a 3-0 win.

5's Dan v Dan - Well this was like watching 2 clones battling it out! Both called Dan. Both young. Both cack handers. Both hit the ball far too hard. And both lined up sporting fashionable (gay) headgear! They may have looked like identical twins haring round the court but as the rallies unfolded it became apparent that Maldon's version was a little bit better than our prototype! Despite playing pretty well, our Dan could not quite match Maldon's Dan and eventually lost a good encounter 3-0.

And so Clements had completed the Perfect 10! Played 10, Lost 10. However, Dan's final rally had ended literally 30 seconds after Dave's final rally and so Dave promptly placed the blame for losing the match on Dan. Nothing like a bit of encouragement from your skipper!

4's Colin v Steve - So it was left to Colin to try and add some respectability to the final score. He started off playing some quality squash, but Steve's drop shots were keeping the scores level. The game eventually reached 8-8 and after a few more close rallies finally went the way of the former Liverpool player. This seemed to nark Colin and he became increasingly irritated as he lost the 2nd game too. A missed drop shot in the final game led to his frustrations reaching boiling point. He hurled his racket skyward and it crashed into the ceiling above, nearly taking our skippers head off in the process. When told to calm down from the balcony, this was met with a frosty reply of "**** off!"

Now with the wonders of modern technology we actually have this clip on phone video, but I'm still investigating how to upload it to this site! Stay tuned.....

And so with Colin's internal combustion, Maldon completed a 4-1 win and we were left wondering how on earth we went the whole season without a win. Damn those 3-2 defeats!

Results:
Chris lost to Peter Alexander 1-9 4-9 9-10
Paul beat Dave Newman 9-0 10-8 10-9
Dave lost to Andy Rhodes 4-9 8-10 3-9
Colin lost to Steve Nicol 8-10 5-9 1-9
Dan lost to Dan Matthews 3-9 6-9 3-9

Clements lost 1-4 (3-17) to Maldon

Still, relegation to the 3rd division throws up some more local rivalry and banter as it seems that (by some miracle! ;-)) our 3rd Team have managed promotion from Division 4 and will join us in the Autumn. If I could just quote here from their captain Bob

"……..…………..and with the end of the season in sight, the Clements 3rd team are like a pack of hungry wolves moving in for the kill, they can smell the blood that has been spilled and are full of anticipation for the next season when they may well be in division 3 facing a team that is inexplicably heading down the leagues faster than Southend united. They know when a team is out of their league and already anticipate a 5-0 thrashing. Dave at the Royal legion has already been booked to provide meat pie as the victors feast and cold buffet for the losers. Roll on Autumn let the battle begin!"

Game on......!!

Match 9 - David Lloyd Away

And so our penultimate game of this successful season took us to local rivals David Lloyd. We were prompt in our arrival time (trying to get the squash over quickly and hammer their bar bill!) to be greeted by Lloyd's captain Ian.... but none of the rest of their team and worst of all - no squash courts booked! We were informed one court would be available at 8.00 and the other at 8.30 - so about half an hour to kill. Seeing as a couple of us had never been, we took the opportunity to look round the facilities and then spent the rest of the time, err looking at some of the fine equipment in the gym! (which incidentally backs right onto the squash courts. Viewing gallery? You'll be lucky!)

When the old codgers on court 1 finally decided they better stop playing before they keeled over due to heart failure, the first game got underway - Dan v Simon at No.5. Simon surged into a 2-0 lead against a backdrop of expletives from Dan as he became frustrated! Dan then claimed the 3rd game but couldn't maintain his comeback and Simon closed out for a 3-1 victory.

Meanwhile the No.3's Dave v Damien had started on the other court. The first two games were very tight, but some errors at crucial times from Clement's skipper saw him fall 2-0 down. Unfortunately by then, the belief had seemed to slip from Dave and Damien secured a straight sets victory, which in truth could have been much closer. Do I really have to write this next line: And so Clements were 2-0 down..... etc etc!

Next matches on were the 1's and 2's, Chris v Ian and Paul v Dell. I must confess to not seeing any of the No.1's match, but it probably went something like this: Ian rallied Chris all round the court. Chris produced some fine shots and tight boasts to keep the game scores close. Then Chris' neck/shoulder/leg started to play up and Ian closed out an entertaining match with annoyingly good tight drop shots. (feel free to correct me if I'm way off here!)

Meanwhile I was on the other court taking Dell apart! ;-) Well actually the first 2 games were shared and the match was nicely poised at 1-1. However, as it was duly noted by a couple of spectators afterwards, I had remembered that if I run about the court whilst playing, it's a much easier game. And so it proved, as Dell tired, I completed a good 3-1 victory.

With Clements confined to another defeat it was left to Colin to try and put some respectability on the overall match score. He started well enough and cruised into a 2-0 lead against Mark. "Keep it going, keep concentration, wrap it up 3-0 and lets get in their bar!" were the words of encouragement to him after the 2nd game. And so it was somewhat surprising to find out in the bar afterwards that he had for the second week in succession managed to claw defeat from the jaws of victory!

There was a nice (albeit rather odd looking!) chicken & broccoli pastry dish for dinner. And also a pasta salad which Dan piled onto his plate, only to then realise that he had mistaken tomato for salmon - which he really has an aversion to! There was also the usual banter you'd expect from two local rivals, although I can't recall anything particularly specific; but I can recall that the Stella's were going down rather nicely!

And so all that remains to be seen of this sorry season is whether Clements can complete a 100% record in next weeks home tie with Maldon.....

Results:
Chris lost to Ian 6-9 4-9 5-9
Paul beat Dell 9-4 4-9 9-3 9-3
Dave lost to Damien 9-10 7-9 4-9
Colin lost to Mark 9-5 9-5 2-9 4-9 6-9
Dan lost to Simon 2-9 5-9 9-5 4-9

Clements lost to David Lloyd 1-4 (6-18)