Match 3 - Maldon Away

So for our third match we travel to the far reaches of Essex to play Maldon. Both teams have won their first two matches so something will have to give. The team is buoyed by the news that expected absentee Colin has in fact put his foot down with his wife, and told her she can't go out tonight because he has to play for us! After the arduous journey through what seems like the back of beyond, we finally arrive at Maldon to be welcomed with a poster in the window congratulating Peter Alexander (Maldon's usual No.1) on his victory in the World Masters Squash Championships in Cape Town. Thankfully for us though he's still there so we won't be facing him.

As we go through to the courts, the No.1's match, Chris v Dave, is already in progress. 'Mr Table Tennis' is proving to be his usual tricky self and Chris is struggling to get any foothold in the match and quickly finds himself 2-0 down. He rallies in the 3rd but to no avail and an off colour Chris is well beaten in the end. On the other court, the No.5's, Marcus v Dan are in full swing in a thoroughly entertaining match. Dan takes a hard fought first game 10-8 but then Marcus' luminous shorts dazzle the youngster in the next and it's all square at 1-1. Showing great determination in the third, Marcus takes a commanding 8-3 lead and Chris remarks on the balcony, "2-1 up then". However Dan battles back valiantly to snatch it 9-8 and a sheepish looking Chris slopes off to the bar! Despite a resolute effort in the fourth Marcus eventually succumbs 3-1. And the teams unbeaten start to the season is looking under serious threat.

Next on are the 4's Colin v Tom and the 3's Dave v Steve. Colin makes a sluggish start, and showing signs of increasing frustration is staring a first defeat in the face at 2-0 down. However using all of his experience together with some good play Colin fights his way back to 2-2. And despite vigorous home support, not to mention an extremely dodgy marking decision at match point, Colin conquers his younger opponent 3-2 and keeps his 100% record intact. Meanwhile, Dave has battled back from a slow start to lead 2-1 in his match. However in a tightly contested 4th game he can't finish the match and Steve forces a decider, 10-8. And notwithstanding a tremendous effort from our skipper, it's just not his night (again!) and Maldon have an unassailable lead.

The final match on are the No.2's Paul v Andy. In a fast and furious start, the first two games are shared but the youthful Andy takes the third and then builds a commanding 6-1 lead in the fourth. But a subtle change of tactics (well some canny timewasting ploys anyway) brings me back into the match and at 6-6 using mind controlling powers that Derren Brown would be proud, and with a little help from Captain Dave on the balcony, I manage to turn a (incorrect) no let call from the marker into a stroke for me and go on to level the match 2-2. However, despite me leading 6-3 in the fifth I can't close it out and Andy's constant retrieving and some excellent shots are enough for him to seize the match 3-2. And so with it a heavy 4-1 defeat for the team.

A sombre Clements team are brightened in the bar with a couple of drinks and then the arrival of a rather nice looking Chinese curry. So much better than Connaught's! The mood rises further as the draw for the next round of the Carling cup is made on TV and the mighty Southend are paired with a little known team from up north, Manchester United! Tickets will surely be hard to come by but if we can get hold of any it's looking like the match with Redbridge in a fortnight's time is in serious jeopardy (they'll probably not turn up anyway, so no real problem actually!). Before that though we have next week's tie at Writtle to contend with and hopefully a return to winning ways....

Results:
Chris v Dave 0-3
Paul v Andy 2-3
Dave v Steve 2-3
Colin v Tom 3-2
Marcus v Dan 1-3

Clements lost to Maldon 8-19

Match 2 - Woodford Wells Home

So for our second match we entertain Woodford Wells. Our 'reliable' skipper is available for selection again and there is some deliberation, well a couple of sarcastic emails actually, about whether to change a winning team. But as correctly pointed out by Colin, "we need a reliable #3 as the one last Monday was shite, he lost 3-0......" so we welcome Captain Fantastic back into the fold. After being beaten home and away last season by Woodford Wells the team are in determined mood to rectify those results but the night nearly starts off disastrously as Chris almost mows down Dave and myself in the car park.

Whilst waiting for our opposition to appear there is a surprise visit from club Chairman Bob Stone. Has he come down to support us? No, he's actually come down to hand out some team t-shirts. A very nice gesture. Although we later discover that he was just clearing out his garage and found them lying around! Woodford finally arrive in true London bus style - nothing for 20 minutes and then all five turn up at once.

First on court are the No.1's, Chris v Lee and the No.3's, Dave v Pat. We can tell from the warm up in the 1's match that it's going to be a long affair as the ball is displaying more tendencies of a racektball than that of a squash ball. It doesn't disappoint and after some good squash from both players, the match is finely poised at 2-2. Chris decides it's time to bring some extra quality to his play and changes into his new team T-shirt. Unfortunately it doesn't have the desired effect and he goes down 3-2. Meanwhile on the other court Dave is showing no signs of rustiness due to his golfing absence last week, and with the match delicately balanced at 1-1 he battles back gallantly from 8-1 down to take the 3rd 9-8. At this point it looks like he has the upper hand, but that vanishes almost immediately as he promptly goes on to lose the 4th 9-0. Maybe there is some rustiness in there after all! In a keenly fought decider, Dave can't quite find enough and the team are now 2-0 down.

Next on are the No.2's, Paul v David and the No.5's Marcus v Carolyn. Now Marcus doesn't have a particularly good record when it comes to playing against members of the fairer sex. In fact, it's probably fair to say he's been awful, especially when losing to those 12 year olds in the past! So you could sense an air of extra determination as he stepped on court and sure enough he cruised to a comfortable 3-0 win. In the other match the ball was flying around rapidly due to some heavy hitting from David. However, I always felt in control (Artistic licence - I'm allowed to write that!) and I also completed a 3-0 victory. Long overdue some might say.

So for the second week in a row, the match comes down to the final rubber. This time it's the No.4's, Colin v James. This encounter gets off to a frantic start with both players giving their all, resulting in some cracking rallies before Colin finally takes the 1st 9-7. There is talk on the balcony that this is the best he has ever played. Maybe the order is upside down after all! Colin is unrelenting in the next 2 games, and his pace and power (2 words I never thought I'd be writing in association with Colin!) prove too much and he clinches the match 3-0, and with it wraps up another fine win for the team.

No surprises on the dinner front this week as we are treated to our trusty buffet at the Legion. Colin and I don our new team T-shirts to celebrate our victory but surprisingly there is little talk of football. Instead the subject turns to cars and we are regaled with tales of Colin's misdemeanors in his youth and how he got done for speeding at 146mph in the 1960's!

Plans are then put in place for next week's trip to Maldon and confidence is high. Can our winning run continue?

Results:
Chris v Lee 2-3
Paul v David 3-0
Dave v Pat 2-3
Colin v James 3-0
Marcus v Carolyn 3-0

Clements beat Woodford Wells 18-6

Match 1 - Connaught2 Away

So for our first match, we face the long trek up to Chingford to take on Connaught 2. And we make this trip without our captain fantastic, Dave, who has shunned us to play golf instead. Talk about leading by example! However we have a more than able replacement in the form of Dan Jacobs so confidence is high as we arc round the M25 towards East London. Who let these teams into the ESSEX league anyway?

On arrival we meet up with Colin who has gone straight there from work and is currently sitting in, what he describes as, a creche! Surrounded by kids running around and playing table tennis, "haven't they got any homework to do?" he moans. Why he didn't sit somewhere else then is anyone's guess.

Through to the squash courts we go, and no there's sign of the home team. Just one guy, sitting on a chair waiting. "Do you know who that is" asks Dan. The way he said it I thought it must have been Peter Nicol himself but alas it wasn't. It turns out to be not far off though and although we have a strong replacement at No. 1 in Dan, they have an even better replacement at No. 1 in Jason Friend.

The first matches on are Dan v Jason, and the No. 3's Paul v Mark. Despite his best efforts, Dan reaps little reward out of his encounter with Jason and gets a heavy beating. No shame in that though as Jason has played a very high standard. What must have been disconcerting though is the way Jason came off court and immediately got stuck into a few cans of Red Stripe. Who said fitness and beer don't mix? Meanwhile on the other court, I am struggling to make any impression against Mark who is playing a solid game of squash. Although showing a few glimpses of skill, unfortunately the even fewer bursts of fitness take their toll and I eventually succumb 3-0. "You played some good shots on there, but then some crap shots too" was the wonderful insight of Chris and Colin as I came off court.

Next on are the 2's Chris v Will, and the 4's Colin v Nev. Chris plays some of his best squash for a long time and in a game full of good shots and long rallies, his boast eventually wears Will out and he triumphs 3-0. "That's how it should be done!" he explains as he comes off court. In the meantime on the other court, Colin is involved in a stop start match which probably has more lets and strokes in it than actual points. Nothing new there then. A scrappy affair, but ultimately Colin's talent shines through, not to mention his new found fitness, and he succeeds 3-0.

Therefore, it all comes down to the final rubber. The 5's Marcus v Mike. As they go on court there are murmurings in the crowd that it's just like a throwback to Marcus' glory days, when he used to go on court last with a match finely balanced. The only difference being he used to be playing as the No.1 then! The first two games are shared in a tightly fought affair, but then Marcus ups it and starts to dominate, and displaying glimpses of his former past he takes the next two games to wrap up a 3-1 win. And the team is off to a winning start.

A dubious looking curry is waiting for us afterwards in the 'creche', but thankfully the kids have finally taken Colin's advice and gone home to do their homework. The post match banter is dominated by football talk with the emphasis on whether Beckham should be back in the England team, was Carrick worth £18m, why do those 2 world class argies play so crap at West Ham and would you still do Ulrika Johnson? Upon Colin declaring that he still "has a small interest in Ulrika", it's time for us to leave. A good night and a more than satisfactory result to report back to our absent skipper.

Results:
Dan v Jason 0-3
Chris v Will 3-0
Paul v Mark 0-3
Colin v Nev 3-0
Marcus v Mike 3-1

Clements beat Connaught2 14-7

The Players

The outstanding individuals which comprise this magnificent team:

1. Chris Purkiss - Lured from the 1st team on the promise of beer!

2. Paul Hodge - Treasurer who's mortgage payments are reducing suspiciously quickly!

3. Dave Coates (capt) - Our illustrious leader. Mr Reliable. So reliable in fact that he can't make the first game!

4. Colin Copeland - Been in training over the summer and is now considered to be relatively fit.... well for him anyway!

5. Marcus Allan - Still maintaining the order is upside down!

A New Dawn....

Well a new season actually and a new blog to record it on!

Here we shall see how this magnificent set of squash players performs in Division 2 of the Essex League.

Will they win promotion?

Will they avoid relegation?

Will they get to play more than one home game this season?

All will be revealed in the coming months....